Letting Go

May 2, 2017          13:11

It's appointment day. Since week 35, I've had to schedule three appointments each week: non stress test with ultrasound , diabetes,  and OB check . I usually cram them on Tuesdays so that I don't have to conquer my three-floor-walk-up more times than needed .  We woke up early for our routine. While I was getting my things together, I looked over and saw my hospital bag.  I asked Arlinton if we should bring it,  but we both decided there was no need and should wait until the time of delivery.  However,  I think I had a feeling that today may be the day I'd meet little Asher.

The first appointment was the non stress test and ultrasound. Every other week, the radiologist checks the amniotic fluid and fetal movements.  Last week,  we had a little scare because the  radiologist saw that my amniotic fluids were low.  He told me to drink more water and that he would  follow the issue.  My amniotic fluids were visibly lower than last week.  I knew that the radiologist would be back. To my surprise,  he not only came back, but called my OB. The baby needed to be delivered today. The verdict is out on if low amniotic fluid is an indication to induce. In my case,  I wasn't as reluctant to fight them about it because my levels were half of what they should be.  I also have gestational diabetes and take medications; both lower the threshold for delivery. The huge elephant in the room was whether or not I'll have to get a c section. 

I was emotionally fine when I left the room,  but started to tear up as soon as  I  saw Arlinton.  I knew deep inside that a c section was more probable.  I'm not one to dilate until it's really show time.  The sadness came from my fear of surgery,  recovery,  and the possibility that c sections will interfere with our ability to have the family we both dreamed about.  Arlinton was very supportive,  gave me a hug and we walked to triage. 

Once in triage,  I was met by the same OB that delivered Felicity.  We went over the options like before; doctor to doctor. This time,  I emphasized that I trusted her gut feeling.  I wasn't dilated,  but she contemplated doing a balloon and then running pitocin.  I could see in her eyes that she did not feel strongly about it working. She cared about me and my goals and wanted the VBAC  for me.  We both wanted it,  but we also wanted the best outcome. Regardless of what could or should have happened,  I'm having a c section tonight. I will undergo surgery and see my son.  I will live through the recovery like I did before.  My friends and family have been so supportive. I can't let this hole in my birth plan deter me from acknowledging the goodness of God and the grandeur of his plans. I'm too mortal and limited to know why anything goes in the direction it goes.  I just have to have faith. So,  I sit here with this IV in my hand dreaming about my son,  libations, and high carb meals.